I can't believe it. Our baby is about to be 1 year old! It honestly seems like just yesterday that I was reading (and re-reading) the results of the pregnancy test that indicated she was on the way. Reflecting back on how we got to this place reminds me of a time, not all that long ago, when I was certain that I did not want to ever have children.
Back in early 2008, when Dameone and I were still settling into our marriage and our new home, the topic of children seemed to be coming up more and more frequently. And by "children", I don't mean those awesome nieces and nephews in our lives, I mean "our children". When we had discussed this in the past (i.e. before we were married), it was always in terms of "someday we will have children". We would discuss our list of ideals; for me, that was 2 boys, 2 years apart; for him - 1 boy, 1 girl, 3 years apart. We would discuss what sports and activities we would enroll them in, how I would for sure "take the drugs" when it came time for delivery, and all sorts of fun "what-if's".
For me, they were just that - "what -if's". I never really thought about how and when I would incorporate children into my life. Hell, I liked my life just as it was. Selfish as I know that sounds, I didn't want to give up one single piece of it. I didn't want to give up the travel, the drinking, the ability to spend my money on whatever I wanted to, my sleep, my body; none if it. I wanted to live the life of a childless bride forever and ever. What did I need kids for? I had plenty of nieces and nephews to go around. Besides, there's no way I was fit to be a parent, right?
What I failed to realize is that, while I was busy not mentally fitting children into my life, Dameone was doing just the opposite. It didn't take Dameone long to figure this out and it sparked some very serious conversations about the future of our family and even the future our marriage. Begrudgingly, I agreed to start "trying". I have to be honest, I was expecting to get pregnant on the first try...maybe the second. I was not at all prepared for the journey I was about to take.
I did not get pregnant on the first try. I did not get pregnant on the second try. I did not get pregnant on the third try. Then I seemed to get call after call that everyone around me was getting pregnant. I just couldn't believe it! What in the hell was wrong with MY body? That's when it became a challenge; a contest of sorts. I was not about to be told that I couldn't do something. So what that I didn't actually want it? That was besides the point.
After several more months of failure, and even more calls about pregnant folks the world over, my determination transformed into defeat. Not only did we not have the money for any sort of infertility treatment, we really didn't believe in it for ourselves. If the Lord was not going to bless us with a baby of our own, then we were not going to force the issue. During our period of trying-to-conceive, I educated myself on natural childbirth and breastfeeding which ultimately turned my determination for success into deep desire for motherhood.
In hindsight, I am certain that I was meant to travel this difficult road to pregnancy, for without it I do not believe I would have the same bond with my daughter that I do today. I can say now that I am thankful for the challenges and obstacles that were placed before me because without them, my life as it is today would not exist. I love being a mother. I can't imagine going back to that life that didn't include Aerielle in it. She brings unparalleled joy to my life and I often wonder how I ever lived without it.
