When Hormones Attack, People Get Hurt

I have been keeping a journal for quite some time as an outlet for the intense emotions that come along with all things fertility-related. Many of you do not know that the process of becoming pregnant was very difficult for Dameone and me. We had been trying to conceive, without success, for what seemed like an eternity and this journal was the only place where I could be honest about everything I was feeling about our perceived infertility. While this journal continues to be an avenue for expressing my raw emotions, the content is quite different today than it was when I first started.

I don't normally share my journal with anyone (heck, I don't even read it myself), yet I felt today's journal entry was more for sharing than keeping to myself. Here is an excerpt from the page dated 2/10/2011:

"So, I've realized just how insensitive to others' feelings this pregnancy has made me. My "eureka!" moment occurred on Monday 2/7/2011 when D & I were at the Gem Show with my parents.

"Dameone, being nothing more than affectionate to me, came up behind me and simply placed his hands on my shoulders. His fingers happened to land in a way that felt like he was choking me. Instead of gently sliding his hands to a more comfortable position and enjoying his caress, I snapped at him, "Stop choking me!" And when he clarified his intentions, I continued to accuse him of choking me instead of apologizing for my accusation or even just dropping the subject. I mean honestly Jessica; did you really think he was trying to choke you? OF COURSE NOT! But it was like my internal censors were on hiatus. It wasn't until much, much later that I realized how hurtful I had been...in public..and in front of my parents, no less!

"What troubles me even more is that even after I realized what was wrong, I actually expected Dameone to just "get over it" and act normal without so much as an apology from me. How selfish is THAT?! I still haven't found a way to properly apologize for my shitty behavior. I know I can't let too much more time pass nor can I just blame the pregnancy for my actions. That is not fair to Dameone. He deserves far better than that."

As I was writing that entry I was, and still am, truly ashamed of the way I had treated my loving husband. No one deserves to be spoken to in that manner and certainly not in any kind of public setting. I can't even begin to imagine how embarrassed Dameone must have felt to have that kind of accusation made not only in public, but in front of his wife's parents.

Dameone, I am truly sorry for the way I treated you and the things I said on Monday in response to your loving gesture. You, of all people, did not deserve that. I wish that I had some acceptable explanation, but I do not. The bottom line is that this pregnancy does not give me an open-ended ticket to blast off at those around me, and certainly not you. You are a generous man, an amazing husband, and soon to be a wonderful father.

This sobering experience has forced me to evaluate why my internal censors seem to be disabled. I totally understand that there is a surge of hormones racing throughout my body in levels that I have never before experienced, but what is it about this physiological change that makes me suddenly unable to behave like a respectful human being? Here is what Dr. William Sears (The Pregnancy Book) has to say about that:

"A completely blissful pregnancy is as rare as a perfect parent. As the initial elation of discovering you're pregnant subsides and the reality of impending parenthood sinks in, it's common to have good days and not so good days. One day you may feel on top of the world the next day you may feel sad and weepy. There are several reasons for those mood swings. One is the normal emotional letdown that naturally occurs after an intensely emotional experience; in human emotions lows usually follow highs. Another reason is purely physiological; it's those hormones. The surge of pregnancy hormones that is upsetting your body also accounts for the volatility of your emotions. Of course, feeling depressed may catch you by surprise, especially if this is a long-anticipated pregnancy. And feeling bad that you don't always feel happy doesn't do anything to lift your spirits."

Many, if not all, of the books outlining the timeline of pregnancy to women (and men) explain that these emotional changes are inevitable, but I have yet to find one that offers any suggestions on how to successfully manage this symptom of pregnancy. It seems that pregnant women are programed into believing we have a "pass" when it comes to our emotions and I wonder if we're being sold short in this area. The pregnant body is capable of so many amazing things; I have to believe that we're born with the tools govern this facet of pregnancy too. Someone, please teach me how!